Childhood Movies With Really Bad Parenting

The Parent Trap

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This is actually one of my favourite movies. The soundtrack, the shenanigans, pre-meltdown Lindsay Lohan, the secret handshake – what’s not to love?

Well, there is one thing: the parents.

The parents are the literal worst. They fell in love, got married, broke up, and didn’t try to save their relationship. That happens sometimes, who are we to judge, right? Oh but then they decide to SPLIT their kids up like they’re a buy-one-get-one-free deal at Cotton On and move to separate countries without letting them know they have a twin/other parent. These kids grew up thinking one of their parents abandoned them – which technically, they did. I’m no Dr. Phil or anything, but that’s pretty messed up.

Also, how do you live with your daughter every day of her life since she was a baby and  not notice when someone else takes her place? Sure, they look the same, but even Chessy noticed before the parents did. EVEN THE DOG NOTICED.

 

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Is she Hailey? IS SHE? 

Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire was a childhood classic. If Robin Williams starred in something, there was an 85% chance that I was going to love it. But let’s be clear, Robin Williams character wasn’t exactly parent of the year. As a kid, I sided with him immediately and thought Sally Field’s character was the bad one. To be honest, I’m still not a big fan of her character, I think it was a bit harsh that Daniel wasn’t allowed to watch the kids after school. (I mean, he’s no Darth Vader, give the guy a break).

The movie kicks off with Daniel getting fired from his job, and judging by his family’s reaction, this is not the first time he’s been fired. Then he undermines his wife’s parenting – Miranda strictly said their son can’t have a party because of his terrible grades – so what does Daniel do? He throws a wild birthday party with actual farm animals. The police show up, and Miranda has to leave work to sort it out.

When Daniel loses custody of the children, the obvious solution for him was to dress up like an elderly lady and apply for a job as his children’s nanny. Hijinks ensue and everyone loves him. Then the kids find out that their nanny is their father in the most awkward way. They’re left with feelings of betrayal, confusion, and emotional scarring – a recipe for therapy.

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Home alone

Imagine going overseas and forgetting your youngest child alone at home. Not only were the McCallisters negligent, but they were also quite horrible. Firstly, his whole family is incredibly rude to him, and the parents just allow it. His siblings pick on him, his uncle calls him names seriously, how is it okay for a grown adult to call an 8-year-old boy a ‘little jerk’? Secondly, they let him pack his own suitcase, with no supervision. He’s eight.

And because Kevin spills some soda or milk on the table he’s forced to sleep in the attic with no dinner (the night before a big trip).  At this point I was just like…

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You want things to be less manic around the house, Kate? Maybe don’t invite your entire family to stay over the night before an overseas holiday. I’m getting angry just thinking about it. To be honest, the way they treated Kevin makes me think they left him at home on purpose. Hmm… conspiracy.  Don’t get me started on Home Alone 2, where they left him AGAIN.

 

 

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Childhood movies that were actually terrifying

Witches

As a youngster, I was pretty much obsessed with witches. Growing up, we had great shows and movies like Sabrina, Charmed, Hocus Pocus, The Craft and Practical Magic. But believe it or not, the creepiest of them all was the movie adaptation of Roald Dahl’s ‘The Witches’. The same author that brought us Matilda, brought us this nightmare-inducer. I’ll never forget the scene where Angelica Huston’s character removes her human face mask. NEVER. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. And if you think that’s the last stop on the creepy-train, let’s not forget about the scene where they capture the little boy and turn him into a mouse. *Shivers*

Scarier than: Realising your Wi-Fi wasn’t connected and you were on Instagram using your mobile data

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I actually can’t show her full witch face because it’s too scary. (Source: tvguide.com)

Nightmare before Christmas

I guess this movie wasn’t that scary, but it had some pretty dark moments. Like where the lead character is a creepy looking skellington guy in a pin-striped suit with no eyes, or where the little boy gets a human head for Christmas. Just your classic Disney stuff. The creepiest part was the Oogie Boogie man. Firstly, he has a weird cloth body that is MADE ENTIRELY OF BUGS.  Secondly, his mouth is filled with maggots and spiders crawl out of his weird hollow eyes. Am I watching a children’s movie or American Horror Story?

Scarier than: The sound of the South Easterly at night

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Oogie Boogie was man too creepy to feature (Source: picscristmas.com)

 

Pinocchio

Pinocchio starts off as a sweet story about a wooden puppet who desperately wants to be a real boy. Then it pulls a complete 180 and introduces us to one of the most disturbing scenes ever. Pinocchio and a group of young boys are captured and taken to ‘Pleasure Island’. They’re hanging out, making the most of the situation — and suddenly they all turn into donkeys and are caged to be sold to the salt mines. It was terrifying to see Lampwick’s hands turn into hooves, while he pawed at Pinocchio’s chest – and seeing him bray and kick over furniture as a frightened little donkey. Also, we know that Pinocchio made it out safely, but what about the rest of the kids? Nothing like a lifetime of arduous underground slave labour to teach young boys a lesson. *Shivers for eternity*

Scarier than: Someone sending you a ‘we need to talk’ message

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Thumbelina

I remember liking this movie as a child, but I can’t deny that it had too many weird and dark moments. After poor little Thumbelina meets the love of her life, she’s kidnapped by a disguised lady toad. She’s then forced to dance on a lily pad where she meets a toad with a weird moustache who wants to marry her. After she escapes she meets Mr. Beetle, a super creepy beetle who has no sense of personal space. He also kidnaps her, (as that seems to be the occurring theme of the film) and takes her to a weird bug night club where she’s forced to DANCE AGAIN. Are they sure this movie was meant for kids? After she runs away for the second time, she meets a mouse who introduces her to a super old, super creepy looking mole. Guess what happens next? She’s forced to marry the mole.  This mole is at least 55 and Thumbelina is probably around 16… which makes it even creepier.

Scarier than: The idea of Donald Trump as president

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Road Tripping through Andalusia

Last year, June 2014, was my first time travelling overseas. The excitement outweighed the nerves as I was headed off to the home of flamenco, tapas and Andalusian culture with my husband, brother and sisters-in-law.

Chilling on the beach in Marbella

Chilling on the beach in Marbella

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Flamenco dancer in Marbella

Flamenco dancer in Marbella

Our plane landed safely at Malaga Airport, but we immediately made our way to Marbella as that’s where we would be staying for the first few days. Marbella felt like the cosmopolitan side of Andalusia, with gorgeous beaches, luxury shopping brands and some of the best golf courses in Europe. When we were done window shopping and people watching in Puerto Banus, a marina in Marbella, we headed off to my favourite town in Andalusia: Granada.

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Streets of Granada

We felt right at home with the buzzing lifestyle and friendly locals. Granada is renowned for its amazing Moorish architecture. Our first stop was at The Alhambra, the monument that outshone every other site in Andalusia. Part palace, part fort, the beautiful and intricate architecture made us feel like we were transported back to the 14th century. The elaborate structures, the trickling fountain and even the mosaic tiles on the wall took my breath away. Later that day we went for a late lunch in the city centre and were happy to find quite a number of Halaal restaurants.

The Alhambra in Granada

The Alhambra in Granada

10492580_10152366008998999_6665735784090980419_nThe next day we made our way to Sevilla, the capital of Spain’s Andalusia region. I remember Sevilla being warm, sunny and welcoming. There was a sense of vitality in the air, with the sweet sound of flamenco guitar being played while we made our way through the bustling town. We wanted to see everything this beautiful town had to offer, so we decided to take a Hop On Hop Off bus tour like proper tourists.

Metropol Parasol in Sevilla

Metropol Parasol in Sevilla

After Sevilla we headed off to Ronda, one of Spain’s oldest and most charming towns. Our first site on the list was the Puento Nuevo, a bridge that offered unforgettable views over the El Tajo gorge. We stood up there for hours, taking pictures and admiring the breathtakingly beautiful view. We then went to Ronda’s famous Arab baths. I remember the sun filtering through the star-shaped vents in the roof, imagining what it was like in the 13th century.

Malaga was our last stop before heading back to Cape Town. It had a good mix of modern and historic qualities.  I remember walking down the narrow pedestrian streets looking for a place to eat, not realising that most shops and restaurants are closed on a Sunday.  It was quite disappointing but we made the most of it and eventually found a small café, where we had toasted cheese and freshly squeezed orange juice. The next day when the city came alive again, we shopped up a storm and got to see a different, busier side of Malaga before our flight.

I left a piece of my heart in Spain, and if I don’t return, I’ll be comforted by the amazing memories I made.

View from the Puento Nuevo in Ronda

View from the Puento Nuevo in Ronda

Plaza de España in Seville

Plaza de España in Seville

Reasons to Never Mess with a Disney Villain

They will straight-up try to murder you

No evil complicated plots of turning them into animals or locking them up in isolation, these villains went straight for the kill.

Hades in Hercules

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My hair is literally and figuratively on fire. Bye Felicia (Hercules)

The Evil Queen in Snow White

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Bring me Snow White’s heart and put it in this totes adorbs box I got from Etsy.

Scar in The Lion King

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BRB on my way to kill your dad and take over the Pride lolz.

They’ll keep you in isolation and psychologically mess with you

We’ve got cold and heartless stepmother, passive-aggressive kidnapper and sinister religious extremist. Damn, Disney is dark.

Lady Tremaine in Cinderella

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I can’t believe you would dare to ask me if you can attend the ball. I will have to clutch your pearls in shock as I’m not wearing any.

Mother Gothel in Rapunzel

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Why would you even want to go outside, Rapunzel? Did you know that sun exposure is the major cause of damage to your skin?

Claude Frollo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame

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I hate Frollo so much, he doesn’t deserve a sassy comment.

Turn you into an animal/creature

How would you feel if you woke up one day and you were a turtle? Not good.

Yzma and her minion Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove

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Yo Kronk, can I have another one of these drinks that doesn’t taste like poison at all?

Dr. Facilier in The Princess and the Frog

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Better than going on another Tinder date, am I right?

Enchantress lady in Beauty and the Beast (She’s the real villain here)

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Homie, you could have at least trimmed a little off the side.

Try to ruin your life with the use of magic

These villains had magical powers, which means they could have destroyed their Disney opponents immediately. But they all had a point to prove and wanted the princesses parents to suffer, which is far more evil.

Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty

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Life is hard and naps are fun. You should be thanking me, blondie.

Ursula in The Little Mermaid

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You do realise you’ll have to shave your legs now?

Jafar in Alladin

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How can I love a man who does a better winged liner than me?

How to look like a 21st century runway model

If you want to go from drab to fab without spending a fortune on surgery or a new wardrobe, read my DIY tips on how to look like a runway model… the affordable way.

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                Don’t mesh with me

What you need for this look:

– A mesh onion bag from your friendly supermarket (with some blue dye of course, orange is NOT the new black when it comes to this look)

– A look of despair in your eyes (if you need help with this read the comments on any News24 article)

– The will to not brush your hair for 3 years, or as a time-saving alternative, a 19000000 volt Taser gun.

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What you need for this look:

– Dirt from your garden (Which you will need to rub on your face in an upward circular motion)

–  Freshly plucked grass/weeds including the roots and sand. (Please make sure you include the roots and sand for your statement headpiece, it’s what pieces the look together and you’ll look really silly without it)

– The ‘someone-just-gave-spoilers-to-my-favourite-show’ look on your face

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                                Channel your inner Uncle Fester

What you need for this look:

– No neck

– Ridiculously big shoulders (Pro tip: If you have normal human shoulders, make shoulder pads with old scatter cushions)

– A black swimming cap

– Kohl eyeliner (You may use a black permanent marker if you’re feeling spicy)

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What you need for this look:

– X-ray vision

– Pale vampire skin

– An oversized cardigan

– Hay fever medication

6 Backhanded compliments and Their True Meanings

When someone pays you a compliment, you can almost immediately tell if it’s a sincere one or if it’s actually a sugar coated insult from Satan himself. This is what people really mean when they give you backhanded compliments:

1. Backhanded compliment: I love your jersey!  I have a similar one but I’m not brave enough to wear it to work.

Translation: You look like a homeless person. I would only wear a jersey like that when I’m in a near comatose state in bed with the flu.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

2. Backhanded compliment: You are VERY photogenic.

Translation: You look WAY better on photos than you do in person. Those Instagram filters do wonders for the face, hey?

3. Backhanded compliment: Your shoes look so comfy. I love how you’re so practical!

Translation: You look like one of those soccer moms from Milnerton.

It’s important to be comfy. Why you gotta be like that?

4. Backhanded compliment: That’s a quirky look. You’re so brave when it comes to fashion.

Translation: Remember when Bjork wore that swan dress? That’s what you remind me of.

5. Backhanded compliment: Oh wow, you look so pretty here, I didn’t even recognize you in this picture.

Translation: You usually look like a snaggletooth savage, but with make-up and a cute outfit you actually pass as a decent human being.

Actually I don’t know if she’s sad or not. I can never tell.

6. Backhanded compliment: You’re surprisingly funny.

Translation: You don’t look like you could make people laugh. You look like you should be working at a funeral home.

This is how backhand compliments make you feel.

6 Reasons Why Cats Would Make the Perfect Secret Agents

1. Cats have 32 muscles in each ear. Which isn’t a big deal, it just makes it easier for them to eavesdrop on your conversations and PLOT YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH.

You just know he’s up to no good.

2. Cats have 9 lives. Obviously they want us to think that this is just a myth, but it’s the cold hard truth that their enemies had to learn the hard way. You can’t double cross a cat and get away with it, they’ll just come back to life and exact their vengeance when you least expect it.

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3. They are masters of lapping up liquid and keeping their chins dry. That makes it tremendously easy to clean up blood without leaving any evidence… just saying.

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You know why.

4. Cats can see in the dark. They literally have night vision goggles built into their heads. They are mentally and physically equipped to spy on you and learn all your weaknesses.

You don't see me, but I see you.

You don’t see me, but I see you.

5. Cats land on their feet when they fall. This isn’t even something they have to train for, they’re born with amazing aerodynamic abilities.

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6. They’re really good at disguising themselves. They can dress up as frogs, humans, pandas, superheroes… who can you trust?

Just a frog, nothing else.

Just a frog, nothing to see here.

The cat, with its speed and uncanny agility, seems to defy death at every turn. Don’t be fooled by their adorableness, these feline ninjas have the ability to kill you in your sleep if they wanted to.

This is a trap. Don't fall for it.

This is the paw he’ll pummel you with.