How to tell if you’re TOO awesome

He puts the ‘we’ in awesome

If you’re Bear Grylls, Neil Patrick Harris, Will Ferrell or Emma Stone you should stop reading this  because you’re obviously awesome beyond compare.

1. Have you ever told a joke that made someone wet their pants or roll on the floor from laughter? Add 3 points of awesome.

2. Have you ever taken an unconventional route while hiking a mountain even though you knew it was dangerous? Add 2 points of awesome, because you’re a fearless son-of-a-gun.

3. Do your parents call you by some cool nickname and ask you for advice on stuff because they think you’re the business? Add 2 points of awesome.

4. Have you ever seen Justin Bieber’s film ‘Never say Never’? If yes, deduct 2 points of awesome. If no, add 2.

5. If you’ve quit smoking for more than 10 days. Add 1 point of awesome. Add 3 points if you’ve quit forever.

6. If you say things like, ‘What’s Game of Thrones?’ Deduct 2 points of awesome.

7. Have you ever saved a human life or an animal’s life because of your quick-thinking and agility? Add 3 points of awesome. Deduct 1 if you only saved your battery’s life.

8. If you’ve never sent out a ridiculous chain or broadcast message like ‘Forward this message to 50 people in 3 seconds or a goblin will eat your family’. Add 2 points of awesome.

9. People have told you that you’re awesome. Add 2 points of awesome.  

Bill-Murray-awesome

Bill says you’re awesome

10. You tell people that you’re awesome. Deduct 2 points of awesome. Add 1 point of douchebag.

If you scored more than 13, then you’re probably awesome as hell, my friend. If you scored less than 9, don’t worry about it too much, we can’t all be ridiculously awesome. Maybe you’re good at building puzzles?

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Annoying Things (Some) Girls Do

Go from moderately sane to Psycho Sally because of jealousy

You  immediately hate the girl who wrote on your boyfriend/crush’s wall and you made your friends hate her too. The poor girl probably doesn’t even know she has an entire hate-group, but how dare she xoxo your boy? Oh hell no, not up in here!

Get angry at the entire male population when one guy pisses them off

I shamefully admit, I have done this at a stage in my life – but I’m sure everyone has. I’m older and wiser now, so when a guy pisses me off I just punch him in the face, like a mature adult. No I’m kidding, violence isn’t the answer! Unless the question is, “What isn’t the answer?” Then, the answer is violence.

Think the duck face is cute
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Why? This is how you look. You’re ruining ducks for everyone.

Feel the need to compete with other girls.

Life isn’t a competition. You’re special in your own little way so it’s silly to compete with anybody. Don’t ever belittle yourself for attention, just be genuine and live life at your own pace.

Complain that guys don’t take them seriously but this is their Facebook profile picture

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Have frenemies

When girls complain about a friend one day and then hang out with her the next day. “Omg I hate that drain-turtle-skank, never talking to her again. Ever!”. Very next day, “Omg I totally lo0o0ve my girl, besties for life!”. You either hate her or love her, make up your mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all girls are like this, but there is a percentage of them that are. I know I have annoying traits but we’re only human so who cares. Guys can be annoying too… but hey, I’ll save that for another day.

How to tell if you’re going to stay single for a long time

You have ridiculously high standards

You basically want a supermodel who can cook and bake like Nigella Lawson, laugh at all of your jokes and watch your favourite TV program with you all day- while giving you foot massages. Be realistic, that person doesn’t exist… and if they do, I call dibs.

You’re still friends with all your exes or talk about them daily 

There’s nothing more annoying than having to hear stories about your partner’s exes. Oh wait, there is – it’s actually hearing stories from your partner’s exes themselves because a certain someone is still friends with them. This isn’t a smart move, your gf/bf might pretend to be okay with it but deep down they want to strangle you and your former lover. Let go and move on before someone gets hurt… or worse, unfollowed on twitter.  

You’re a horrible person

You’re selfish, insensitive and you basically make Geoffrey from Game Of Thrones and Georgina from Gossip Girl look like soft little kittens. If you have douchebag mannerisms then no one is going to love you, maybe another douchebag will love you but then you will have little douchebag children and NOBODY wants this.

You stink

If you always forget to put on deodorant or brush your teeth, then you might as well cover yourself in cat urine while you are at it because it has the same effect. People like people who smell nice. If you’re a male, and you say things like ‘I don’t wear deodorant because I’m a real man’, then you can bet your ass that the only female you’ll ever have a chance of scoring with is a Bratz doll – and that’s because they don’t have noses.

You don’t know how to flirt

Your way of flirting is by smelling someone’s hair and running away or you can never tell if someone is flirting with you. E.g “Hey what you doing Friday? I really want to go watch Avengers”, and you respond, “seems like a cool movie, you should definitely go watch it- I’m probably just gonna chill at home and read”, if this sounds like you, it’s possible you’ll never make any emotional connections with people because you’re just too oblivious. Now get out there you-tiger-you and start flirting right, like a boss.

You dress like this

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So there you have it, If none of that applies to you then you’re probably going to be fine. There are obviously many more reasons but I can’t dwell on them right now, I have work to do. 

How to tell if you’re a bit of a douchebag

It is the year 2012 now and there’s a major increase in douchebagism.  If you don’t believe that douchebagism is a real word and  you’re googling it now, it kinda makes you a bit of a douchebag.   Sometimes we’re so consumed with ourselves we forget that we are changing… changing into bad people (The type that like their own statuses on Facebook). Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of douchebagisms. If you score more than 3 out of 8, maybe it’s time to make some changes.

You say stupid phrases all the time

If you say things like coolzees, totesamazeballs and I’m just saying or combine them and say ‘I totes think that the Biebs sings amazeballs now that he’s older, he’s coolzees. I’m just saying’ – then you are spamming people’s ears and you need to stop.

You’re topless in your Facebook picture

You work out, good for you. Now put on some clothes D-bag, this ain’t the beach.

Jersey Shore

You watch it, you quote it, you live it. You think Mike The Situation is the coolest thing since protein shakes and you quote Jersey Shore in almost all your statuses and tweets. You also find yourself defending Snooki when people trash-talk her. #Meatball problems

You have a lame middle name on Facebook

You know what I’m talking about. If your Facebook name is something like  ‘Ryan I am Legend Solomon’ or ‘Sarah Lekabumz Abrahams’  then you make me want to cry.

You named your biceps

This is common – big guns, the boys, Ronnie and Mike. You flex them when people are talking to you and always ask people if your biceps are getting bigger.

You pretend to be artsy and emotional

You Googled the hell out of ‘best phrases and quotes’ and you make statuses about how girls should be treated like fairy queens but you’re actually a cheesy hypocrite who just wants attention and Likes on Facebook.

You have more than 4 ‘besties’

Every week you have a new status about what you got up to with your ‘bestie’ – funny thing is your ‘bestie’ is a different person all the time. No one feels special if you’re calling them the same thing.

You make your private life very public

You just had an argument with your boyfriend/girlfriend and the world has to know about it. Your not-so-cryptic statuses like ‘I can’t believe I trusted him’ or ‘she knows exactly what she did wrong’ is very lame and no one cares.

Are you?

There we have it folks,  I’m sure we’re all guilty of douchebag mannerisms – some more than others, but it’s never too late to change and be less douchy.