How to look like a 21st century runway model

If you want to go from drab to fab without spending a fortune on surgery or a new wardrobe, read my DIY tips on how to look like a runway model… the affordable way.

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                Don’t mesh with me

What you need for this look:

– A mesh onion bag from your friendly supermarket (with some blue dye of course, orange is NOT the new black when it comes to this look)

– A look of despair in your eyes (if you need help with this read the comments on any News24 article)

– The will to not brush your hair for 3 years, or as a time-saving alternative, a 19000000 volt Taser gun.

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What you need for this look:

– Dirt from your garden (Which you will need to rub on your face in an upward circular motion)

–  Freshly plucked grass/weeds including the roots and sand. (Please make sure you include the roots and sand for your statement headpiece, it’s what pieces the look together and you’ll look really silly without it)

– The ‘someone-just-gave-spoilers-to-my-favourite-show’ look on your face

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                                Channel your inner Uncle Fester

What you need for this look:

– No neck

– Ridiculously big shoulders (Pro tip: If you have normal human shoulders, make shoulder pads with old scatter cushions)

– A black swimming cap

– Kohl eyeliner (You may use a black permanent marker if you’re feeling spicy)

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What you need for this look:

– X-ray vision

– Pale vampire skin

– An oversized cardigan

– Hay fever medication

How to be a Romantic Bad Ass Without Spending Money

1. Bake them muffins. ‘Muffins? Who wants muffins?’, is what you’re probably thinking. But I think you should give muffins a chance, they’re a fun breakfast treat and they’re healthier than cupcakes. But don’t give bran muffins a chance, gross. Also, you can put it in a cute box and label it, ‘ You’re my Stud Muffin’. Pretty cute, huh? And they said I couldn’t be romantic.

Hi there, Stud Muffin.

Hi there, Stud Muffin.

2. Write them a Haiku (Really short poem). When they ask you why you wrote such a short poem, confidently respond with ‘It’s a Haiku’.  They’ll immediately think you’re cultured and romantic and won’t question it any further out of fear of them seeming uncultured.

Example of a Haiku  I just wrote: ”There stands the tub of custard, you remind me of  custard, I like custard.” (I’m not very good at haiku’s)

3. Give them personalised and non-cliche coupons. This coupon entitles you to:  ”I won’t get mad when you don’t reply because you’re playing X Box’, ‘I’ll be your emotional punching bag when you’re PMS’ing’ ‘I will watch the movie of your choice’, ‘I will retweet at least 5 of your tweets a week’, ‘I will be nice to your friends, even the one that speaks too loud’, etc.

4. Give them a knee massage. You heard right, head, shoulder and foot massages are SO cliche. 2013 is all about the knees. I know everyone hopes to make someone feel ‘weak in the knees’, but how bad ass would you be if you made someone feel ‘strong in the knees’? Healthy joints are important and also super romantic.

Don't be afraid to go to town on that knee.

Don’t be afraid to go to town on that knee.